Once upon a time, there was a wee little kitty born into a wee little enchanted forest near a wee little creek that turned into a rather large river in a rather large province, in a rather large country in a rather large world.
For the purpose of this tale, I beg you to keep in mind that all of the wee-ness and all of the largeness is from the perspective of a kitty, so if you’re an elephant or a blue whale reading this, it may be difficult for you to imagine how wee and large things might be, but try to use your imagination. Maybe imagine yourself to be the size of a toaster, or, say, three cantaloupes conjoined. That should do it. We coo’? Ok. Moving right along, then…
For a long time (approximately 5 weeks), the wee little kitty was quite happy in the wee little enchanted forest. He (the kitty wasn’t aware of the fact that he was, in fact, a he as the thought never really occurred to him, but he was and he balks that now, but that’s another tale for another time) became a rather skilled Builder of Forts, a mighty Hunter of Leaves, a ferocious Nipper of Winds That Touch Bottoms, and voracious Licker of Flavours.
One day, the wee little kitty was trekking alongside the wee little creek after having created a rather handsome wee little fort of leaves he had mightily hunted and began to wonder where the creek ended and if there was another, rather large enchanted forest beyond where others had their bottoms touched by different winds and had flavours he had not yet voraciously licked.
As such, he started to follow the winding way of the wee little creek so far that he could SEE that it became bigger and imagined all of the beyond – the leaves that had not yet been mightily hunted, the bottom-touching winds not yet ferociously nipped, and the flavours not yet voraciously licked, and the forts that could be built! Oh the forts! – but just as he reached that view, a brazillion enchanted puggle forest fairies blocked his path and hollered nonsense like “hark! hark!” and “who goes there?” and “thou shalt not pass!” and “goddamned pinko scum!”
Enchanted puggle forest fairies don’t even believe in God or communism, so that particular fairy was just being gratuitously inflammatory.
The wee little kitty was confused, but still determined.
He tried to bargain with the enchanted puggle forest fairies:
“I’ll make you a rather handsome fort if you let me pass” he said, but was met with “pfft…” and “does this guy think we’re homeless? we’re fucking enchanted puggle forest fairies and we don’t need your charity” and “goddamnned pinko scum!” and then the brazillion enchanted puggle forest fairies went at the wee little kitty and bopped him in the nose allatonce. It was a bopping so fierce that it made his eyes pop out.
“ow!”, said the wee little kitty. “you lot are the meanest meaners that ever did mean! Can’t you just hug it out or lick some flavours? Do you need an intervention?” and the enchanted puggle forest fairies yelled things like “teufel drek!” and “hell naw he didn’t!” and “we don’t have a problem and we don’t need your help!” and “goddamned pinko scum!” but they seemed a little less sure of themselves after his suggestion…so the wee little kitty made a run for it!
It didn’t take long before the enchanted puggle forest fairies were on him again. This time, they went for his ears. Imagine a brazillion enchanted puggle forest fairies yanking and pulling at your ears!
Look, I know I’m asking you to imagine a lot, you guys, but imagination is not only the key to empathy, but also the key to understanding this strange and twisted tale, so stay with me, ok? We’re all learning and growing here.
The wee little kitty yanked and pulled with all his might, fueled by the hope of a taste of new bottom-touching winds to nip at, but the brazillion fairies were too much and he relented, though not before his ears fell right against his face. He tried to snap one back into its previous upright position, and then the other, but it was no use. His ears would never be the same again. He touched a paw to each ear and lamented:
“you fairies are selfish, narcissistic jerks!” the wee little kitty proclaimed. “y’all haven’t an ounce of self-awareness that can be collected between your small, glittery, hamster poop-sized brains. I don’t think you even know why you won’t let me go!”
”Narcissistic! Well I never!” one yelled, and “you can’t go because we said so!” yelled another, and yet another yelled “goddamned pinko scum!” and they were so insulted that they fell on the wee little kitty again, this time pulling on his tail so’s to drag him further back into the enchanted puggle forest and learn him good to stay there for good.
But this time, it didn’t work.
The brazillion enchanted puggle forest fairies pulled hard and long, but the wee little kitty dug his wee little kitty claws into the ground so hard and held on so hard, by virtue of his own strength of conviction and then, amazing things happened (extra imagination now, please):
The fairies pulled and pulled and the kitty resisted so hard that his nose popped in toward his face. He didn’t dare lift a paw from its foothold (pardon the pun) so’s to check his nose. His nose would never be the same and he lamented a moment, then dug in further, and became cool with the new nose.
Then the fairies pulled harder and harder, so hard that his wee little kitty tail made a sound kinda like “sproing!” but also “pop!” with a top note of “guffaw” (there was nothing in the wee little kitty’s body that didn’t have a sense of humour) and, with that, the brazillion enchanted puggle forest fairies went flying.
Even though the fairies could fly of their own volition, all brazillion of them were flung to the edges of the wee little enchanted puggle forest for long enough to allow the wee little kitty to take a breath.
And when the wee little kitty took that breath, more amazing things happened:
His newly bulgy eyes opened wide and saw leaves to hunt beyond the creek with which to build new forts!
His newly floppy ears not only heard, but felt new winds touching bottoms he did not yet know!
His newly upturned nose smelled new flavours to voraciously lick.
The wee little kitty took a second and a third and a forth deep breath and, before he knew it, his new body had become a sort of toaster- (or conjoined cantaloupe-) sized zeppelin, with his ears as sails, his nose taking fuel from the (still nip-worthy) winds and his sproingy tail as a propeller.
The wee little kitty flew and flew and saw that the wee little enchanted puggle forest was connected to other wee little things that grew into things that were rather large and his senses tingled and, even though he was rather amazed by all of it, he became overwhelmed and decided to settle down under the branches of a Manitoba maple tree that look almost as handsome as the forts he was so good at making but couldn’t be arsed to make at that particular time because…well…fairies and transformation are exhausting for everyone, even wee little kitties from enchanted puggle forests.
So, the wee little kitty had a wee little nap in his rather large new fort and then went out into the new wide world again.
In the new wide world, he quickly found that there were new wide things, like forts on wheels, and big, wide hard spaces that allowed so many vexatious winds to touch his bottom, and leaves to hunt mightily and then…MASSSIVE forts that had MASSIVE, wingless fairies cozying up in them…and then an especially MASSIVE wingless fairy came out.
The kitty was scared. He wasn’t ready to go back to the enchanted puggle forest yet. He wasn’t sure he ever would be. And then a wind touched his bottom and he nipped at it ferociously and the MASSIVE, wingless fairy…made a noise. And the noise wasn’t angry. The MASSIVE wingless fairy didn’t say “pfft…” or “we don’t need you!” or “goddamned pinko scum!”
Instead, the MASSIVE, wingless fairy giggled at the wee little kitty’s nips at bottom-touching winds and mighty hunting of leaves and reached its hand out and let the wee little kitty discover a new flavour to voraciously lick, and, when the wee little kitty was ready, gave him a great big hug-out that no be-wingèd fairy could imagine (because they’re narcissistic jerks who lack imagination) and the wee little kitty sighed and didn’t feel like flying anymore and the MASSIVE, wingless fairy giggled again and brought the wee little kitty into its MASSIVE fort and he learned about building new forts out of knee-pits and pillows and discovered the bottom-touching winds of convection ovens filled with the flavour of chicken livers made just for him and what goddamned pinko scum meant because the MASSIVE, wingless fairy was one…
The wee little kitty still had a schmooshy nose, floppy ears, bulgy eyes and a silly tail, like this: